They’re not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time

I’ve spent quite a lot of time over the years talking about the things we experience later in life – changing bodies, changing priorities and navigating all the things nobody quite prepares us for.

But recently I’ve been thinking about the other end of the spectrum.

Adolescence.

That strange, sometimes wonderful, sometimes utterly bewildering period when our children start becoming young adults.

And let’s be honest, it can be quite a roller coaster.

One minute they’re happily chatting away to you and the next you’re apparently the most embarrassing person ever to walk the earth.

They want independence, but still need you.

They want to make their own decisions, but aren’t always keen on the consequences.

Welcome to adolescence! 

But what’s actually going on?

Quite a lot.

Their bodies are changing. 

Hormones are changing. 

Their brains are developing. 

Friendships become hugely important, and they’re becoming much more aware of how they look, how they’re perceived and where they fit in.

And then there’s social media.

Imagine going through all of that while constantly comparing yourself with everyone else.

No wonder it can feel overwhelming.

And here’s something I think we sometimes forget as parents:

They haven’t got our hindsight.

We know that the friendship that feels like the end of the world today probably won’t feel quite so important in five years.

We know one embarrassing moment won’t define their life.

We know they don’t need to have their entire future mapped out at 15.

But they don’t know that yet.

So what can we do?

We can’t remove every difficulty from their path, and nor should we.

Sometimes our instinct is to jump straight in with advice.

‘Why don’t you just…?’

‘If I were you…’

But sometimes they don’t want a solution.

They just want us to listen.

Listen before you fix.

And while we’re listening, we can still have boundaries.

Being understanding doesn’t mean allowing everything. Teenagers still need limits, routines and consequences. 

We can say no while still acknowledging how they feel.

We can also let them make some mistakes.

That’s a difficult one for any parent, but learning to make decisions – and occasionally getting them wrong – is part of growing up.

Our job isn’t to make sure they never fall.

It’s to make sure they know we’re there when they do.

And then there’s comparison…

Teenagers are exposed to an enormous amount of information about how they should look, behave and live.

So let’s keep reminding them that their worth isn’t measured by appearance, popularity or how many likes they get.

Being kind matters.

Being curious matters.

Being resilient matters.

Learning something difficult matters.

Getting back up after a bad day matters.

These things might not make a great Instagram post, but they’re the things that will serve them well in life.

And perhaps we need to remember ourselves.

Most of us weren’t exactly calm, rational and sensible at 14.

We had embarrassing haircuts, questionable fashion choices, friendship dramas, crushes and insecurities.

The difference is that our mistakes weren’t photographed and potentially shared with hundreds of people within seconds.

So when your teenager is having a wobble, perhaps remember:

This is their first time doing this too.

They’re figuring out their changing body.

They’re figuring out friendships.

They’re figuring out who they are.

And they’re figuring out how much independence they actually want.

That’s quite a lot to juggle.

They don’t need perfect parents.

They need somewhere safe to come back to.

Someone who will listen.

Someone who can disagree without judging.

Someone who can say, ‘I don’t agree with you, but I understand why you feel that way.’

And someone who believes in them while they’re still learning to believe in themselves.

Because adolescence doesn’t last forever.

That moody teenager will eventually become an adult.

And one day, you may even find yourself missing the slammed doors and dramatic sighs.

Maybe.

Let’s not get carried away. 

But the next time your teenager is driving you slightly mad, take a breath and remember:

**They’re not giving you a hard time.

They’re having a hard time.**

And sometimes our job isn’t to make the journey easier.

It’s simply to walk alongside them for a while, until they’re ready to find their own way.

Sam ‘mum of adolescents’ Hobbs